Note: The older the entry, the unlikelier outside links are to work.
|Dec. 21: A Christmas to all|
|By: Jani | Archives|
Since you've spent all your time over the last few weeks just staring at the main page of Morg, clicking on "refresh" (or "reload" on Netscape, although it seems that Morg still has the uncanny skill of crashing Navigator if one is being used to read Morg) every ten seconds, hoping that either Tero or Jani (preferably Jani, cause his writing is just so witty, although there's nothing wrong with Tero either, he seems to find the funniest hospitality management-related quips and jokes) would update with a brand new example of how sense of humor, intellect and HTML-skills run in a family, you might have missed the fact that Christmas is fast approaching (I appreciate the fact that you might have also wished that there had been a period (or "full stop" for our British readers (or was it the other way around?)) somewhere in that previous sentence (actually, this is still that same sentence) and that you might need to reread this sentence again to grasp it in its full clarity). The truth is, Christmas is approaching, and that means several things:
-Most importantly, Morg will go on a well-deserved Christmas/New Year's break, meaning that those frequent updates you've grown so accustomed with will cease to be for awhile. Try to handle it like a man. That means getting piss-drunk and beating up a stranger.
-Secondly, for some strange reason parents will get the urge to flatly lie in the face of their children, claiming that some bearded guy in a red costume is going to bring them presents. Frankly, the agony of getting presents is bad enough that I'd think people would like to take some credit for it. "Oh how nice! Santa Claus got you a brand new Pikachu doll! I'm sure he didn't wait in line to a toy store with all the other parents whose kids just had to have that same toy and finally end up paying four times its price to some less-desperate parent." I know this only happens in movies, but that hasn't stopped me from using a situation as a real-life example before.
-Thirdly, after all the madness is done with, and we have some time to ourselves after a fine dinner, we contemplate our accomplishments over the past year and begin wondering about the greater questions in life, like: How could I make Morg the best site on the web? Or is that just me? But to answer that question,
-Fourthly (that sounds like a surname in a Harry Potter book), I'd like to announce that there will be some changes happening here at Morg, but I'll probably end up doing nothing. You might have noticed that my updates to my personal page have been less frequent (last entry September 15! God damn, I didn't think it was that long ago. Funny though, September 15 I was hoping on getting that cable-modem soon, turned out I was three months off the mark. For those of you that were left hanging on a cliffhanger on that day, yes, we have moved into our apartment now, and yes, I do have a cable-modem now), since I've grown weary of the idea that my life is so spectacular that I'd bother writing about it. I'd much prefer being less-constrained and write whatever I feel like, even if it turns out to be a garble of too-long sentences making little sense. Which means that in the least, I might get rid of that page altogether. Right now, I wouldn't mind more people reading the stupid crap I write here, but when a pervert looking for big-bellied pregnant teenagers might find his way to this site, I feel much less enthusiastic about writing stupid personal stuff on a weekly basis. But like they say, paranoia is the greatest form of narcissism, and I'm stupid to think anyone would be in the slightest interested in reading about me if they don't even know me (or even if they do), which is another reason to ditch the page. I don't get anything out of it, and I don't think anyone else does either. If you want to know what's going on with me, send an email.
-Fifthly (Harry's evil uncle-in-law), you should be proud of yourself if you remember what this list was for, cause I for sure don't. Something to do with Christmas?
All right, time to cut the crap, take a shower, go to bed and get prepared to fly to Riga tomorrow (yes, I'm flying this time, so none of that "but it's too windy to get our ship to the harbor" crap this time). To one and all: have a warm, loving Christmas, and then get totally wasted on New Year's Eve. With my new broadband connection I'm ready to serve you yet another year of meaningless and stupid links. Enjoy it while it lasts.
|Dec. 18: International Dining|
|By: Tero | Archives|
Overheard in a fancy black-Thai restaurant:
Waitress: Welcome Zaire. Will you be dining alone?
Diner: Yes, but some France might join me later.
Waitress: Understood. Well, I hope you are very Hungary.
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich with Chile sauce and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just one Cuba sugar please. I dont like to Sweden my coffee too much.
Waitress: Perhaps our Somalia can offer you a glass of wine?
Diner: Italy be later, if ever.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order for you.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.
Waitress: Norway! Our sandwiches are very healthy!
Diner: OK, Korea on then.
Waitress: Are you Finnish?
Diner: Yes, can I have the Czech please!
Waitress: Here it is. Iran to get it for you.
Diner: Can you please Spain this to me! How can a sandwich be so expensive???
Waitress: So U.S.A., but the quality is worth it.
Diner: Robbery! I wish Togo now! I Moscow now!
Waitress: You are being a bit Bulgaria, but I will ask our doorman to get Dakar for you.
|Dec. 10: Search engine bonanza|
|By: Jani | Archives|
Morg has been appearing in several search engine results lately, and I thought I'd share some of the search strings used that have located our humble web site. I'm not making these up.
funny pakistan jokes and sms (the most popular search string, 2 searches with these words found Morg)
ben laden quicktime jokes (you'd think by now people would know how to spell his name)
jokes ben laden (see previous point)
oblu france (I'm sorry, what?)
oblu france homepage (Oh, "oblu france homepage"! Now I get it... not)
funny osama bin laden bombing sms (hey, progress! His name is spelled correctly)
jani moliis (looks like the CIA is after me again)
wtc raining men (all right, I have to admit that's still one of the funniest, and cruelest, jokes I've heard of the incident. It's raining men, hallelujah...)
i am a teenager with a round big pregnant belly (I'm speechless. Maybe I missed an entry by Tero about teenagers with big round pregnant bellies. But it seems safe to say that there are perverts on the web. I really didn't know that before.)
More to come as they appear...
|Dec. 5: Hotel Management, Part 2|
|By: Tero | Archives|
As the ingenious previous title suggested, part 2 was due to arrive any day soon. Well, the wait is over. Was anybody waiting? Thought so. Anyway, the following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the
letters to the Sunday Times. Makes you wonder why anybody would want to work in this industry... or stay in a hotel for that matter!
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM.
That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them: the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
|Dec. 3: Hotel Management, Part 1|
|By: Tero | Archives|
Being a fully trained, although perhaps not the most experienced Hotel Manager myself, I tend to find it very amusing when I see how things are often done within this industry called hotelierism (why not? Its a new word!). For example, take a look at these real-life written testimonies which just show you why we still need to invest more in the proper education of Hotel Managers and hospitality staff in general...
Hotel Anders, Romania:
ALL FEMALE GUESTS ARE WELCOME. PLEASE BRING OWN TOWELS FOR MORNING SHOW.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Sign in men's toilet in a hotel in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Restaurant Menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE, LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER, ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE, BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY: NO ICE CREAM.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
VISITOS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.
And how about these ones from 'other industries':
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Advertisement, Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
Detour sign in Japan:
STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS
|Dec. 1: German lesson|
|By: Jani | Archives|
With the forthcoming mass popularity of Morg, I thought it was time to appeal to our future German fans by publishing a joke in German (the real reason: I'm too lazy to come up with anything by myself, so I'm just cut-pasting a message I got a while back from a friend). If you are German-speaking, now is the time to recommend Morg to your only-German-speaking friends, coz this ain't happening again! The rest of you might have read the same thing earlier in English, in which case this is an excellent opportunity for you to learn German. Just think of all the conversations in which you'd need to know what "einzigartige Marktaussage" means!
Frage: WARUM ÜBERQUERTE DAS HUHN DIE STRASSE?
KINDERGÄRTNERIN: Um auf die andere Straßenseite zu kommen.
PLATO: Für ein bedeutenderes Gut.
ARISTOTELES: Es ist die Natur von Hühnern, Straßen zu überqueren.
SOKRATES: Das Huhn war nicht dumm.Es sah die Strasse als Umweg zum Ziel, also überschritt es die Pforten der Wahrnehmung.
KARL MARX: Es war historisch unvermeidlich.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Weil das der einzige Ausflug war, den das Establishment dem Huhn zugestehen wollte.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Dies war ein unprovozierter Akt der Rebellion und wir hatten jedes Recht, 50 Tonnen Nervengas auf dieses Huhn zu feuern.
RONALD REAGAN: Hab ich vergessen.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Um dahin zu gehen, wo noch kein Huhn vorher war.
HIPPOKRATES: Wegen eines Überschusses an Trägheit in ihrer Bauchspeicheldrüse.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulierung auf der Straßenseite des Huhns bedrohte seine dominante Marktposition. Das Huhn sah sich signifikanten Herausforderungen gegenüber, die Kompetenzen zu entwickeln, die erforderlich sind, um in den neuen Wettbewerbsmärkten bestehen zu können. In einer partnerschaftlichen Zusammenarbeit mit dem Klienten hat Andersen Consulting dem Huhn geholfen, eine physische Distributionsstrategie und Umsetzungsprozesse zu überdenken. Unter Verwendung des Geflügel-Integrationsmodells (GIM) hat Andersen dem Huhn geholfen, seine Fähigkeiten, Methodologien, Wissen, Kapital und Erfahrung einzusetzen, um die Mitarbeiter,Prozesse und Technologien des Huhns für die Unterstützung seiner Gesamtstrategie innerhalb des Programm- Management-Rahmens auszurichten. Andersen Consulting zog ein diverses Cross-Spektrum von Straßen-Analysten und besten Hühnern sowie Andersen Beratern mit breitgefächerten Erfahrungen in der Transportindustrie heran,die in 2 tägigen Besprechungen ihr persönliches Wissenskapital, sowohl stillschweigend als auch deutlich, auf ein gemeinsames Niveau brachten und die Synergien herstellten, um das unbedingte Ziel zu erreichen, nämlich die Erarbeitung und Umsetzung eines unternehmensweiten Werterahmens innerhalb des mittleren Geflügelprozesses. Die Besprechungen fanden in einer parkähnlichen Umgebung statt, zum eine wirkungsvolle Testatmosphäre zu erhalten, die auf Strategien basiert, auf die Industrie fokussiert ist und auf eine konsistente, klare und einzigartige Marktaussage hinausläuft.Andersen Consulting hat dem Huhn geholfen,sich zu verändern, um erfolgreicher zu werden.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: Ich sehe eine Welt, in der alle Hühner frei sein werden, Straßen zu überqueren, ohne daß ihre Motive in Frage gestellt werden.
MOSES: Und Gott kam vom Himmel herunter, und Er sprach zu dem Huhn "Du sollst die Straße überqueren". Und das Huhn überquerte die Straße, und es gab großes Frohlocken.
FOX MULDER: Sie haben das Huhn mit Ihren eigenen Augen die Straße überqueren sehen. Wieviele Hühner müssen noch die Straße überqueren, bevor Sie es glauben?
RICHARD M. NIXON: Das Huhn hat die Straße nicht überquert. Ich wiederhole, das Huhn hat die Straße NICHT überquert.
MACHIAVELLI: Das Entscheidende ist, daß das Huhn die Straße überquert hat. Wer interessiert sich für den Grund? Die Überquerung der Straße rechtfertigt jegliche möglichen Motive.
JERRY SEINFELD: Warum überquert irgend jemand eine Straße? Ich meine, warum kommt niemand darauf zu fragen "Was zum Teufel hat dieses Huhn da überhaupt gemacht?"
FREUD: Die Tatsache, daß Sie sich überhaupt mit der Frage beschäftigen, daß das Huhn die Straße überquerte, offenbart Ihre unterschwellige sexuelle Unsicherheit.
BILL GATES: Ich habe gerade das neue Huhn Office 2000 herausgebracht, das nicht nur die Straße überqueren, sondern auch Eier legen,wichtige Dokumente verwalten und Ihren Kontostand ausgleichen wird.
OLIVER STONE: Die Frage ist nicht "Warum überquerte das Huhn die Straße", sondern "Wer überquerte die Straße zur gleichen Zeit, den wir in unserer Hast übersehen haben, während wir das Huhn beobachteten".
DARWIN: Hühner wurden über eine große Zeitspanne von der Natur in der Art ausgewählt, daß sie jetzt genetisch bereit sind, Straßen zu überqueren.
EINSTEIN: Ob das Huhn die Straße überquert hat oder die Straße sich unter dem Huhn bewegte, hängt von Ihrem Referenzrahmen ab.
BUDDHA: Mit dieser Frage verleugnest Du Deine eigene Hühnernatur.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: Das Huhn überquerte die Straße nicht ... es transzendierte sie.
ERNEST HEMIGWAY: Um zu sterben. Im Regen.
CLINTON: Ich war zu keiner Zeit mit diesem Huhn allein.