Note: The older the entry, the unlikelier outside links are to work.

Everyone that hasn't lived on another planet or caged in a basement by a psycho that feeds you raw meat and lets you see sunlight only whenever he opens the window to spray you with cold water from the garden hose has heard of the several school shootings that have taken place in the U.S. in the last few years. Some kid (or kids) go nuts after they've been teased too much in school, bring their dad's handgun to show-and-tell and shoot down as many students and teachers as they can before shooting themselves or getting caught. What does this tell you about American kids? That they're real amateurs.

For comparison, read this article about a teenager shooting in Finland. As a short summary, four teenagers were pissed at a man that owed them money from some dirty business, so they invited him and his wife over to a summer house, where one of them expertly shot them from a distance with a .22-calibre rifle, while another lured them into the trap. Their mistake was giving the wife enough time to call the police, which put the authorities on track so kids the kids are now caught.

If you ask me, this is the kind of thing you learn to do from the movies. Invite your enemy over for dinner without a suspicion and then pop a cap in their head. They even disposed of the bodies in the ocean. If that one telephone call hadn't happened, the teenagers would probably not have been caught at all. Quite a bit smarter a way to dispose of excess aggression than just walking to a building full of people and starting to shoot around.

The sickest thing about the case? Since the teenagers are under 18, they can't get a life-sentence under Finnish law. Instead, they'll probably receive 12 years, of which they'll serve a third. A third! That's four years for a cold-blooded murder. I don't know whether to cry or start thinking about getting rid of my worst enemies. Oh yeah, I'm not under 18, so I can get a life-sentence, which usually is suspended by the president after 11-13 years.

I have a couple of days left before my not-so-deserved holiday, so I take this "last" chance to put a couple of nice links here for your enjoyment.

So, here you can find some funny animations of various celebrities. My favorite is the "Bill Gates resigns" one. There are many other areas within this site as well, so scope around.

And here is a very nice site - simple, sophisticated and serene. It takes a while to load, so have patience. Once its ready, just click on the text, sit back and relax.

NEWS BULLETIN: It has been known for years that one can get AIDS from sex. However, nearly simultaneous studies authorized by former President Bill Clinton and the Reverend Jesse Jackson have confirmed that you can get sex from aides.

This has been substantiated recently by Representative Gary Condit from California.

Somebody that has been reading this site for a bit longer might have the impression that I have something against President W. To avoid any confusion, let me be as clear as possible: I have something against President W. Luckily, I'm not alone. Everyone I know seems to have a bone to pick with him, but then again, I don't know any big-oil executives. In any case, here's evidence that even the pope finds the guy unbearable.

We are all aware of his language skills, which this short animation proves are no better than your average Japanese computer programmer's; you don't even realize GWB is talking funny, isn't that how he always speaks? If you didn't get that, you'll need to check back to... July 17 (too lazy to link it).

Less relevant, but an example of a game that the President might enjoy. No skills required, no excitement, no point. Still, if you really have trouble wasting your life away, this is a good way to do so.

Service announcement: We're approaching the space limit on this site, which means that very soon the archives need to be moved elsewhere. I'm just waiting to get some web space from the university so that I can do just that. That might be in a few weeks, so until then, don't expect any major files from this site (like you've done that before, bah).

Note (Nov. 27, 2002) We recently received the following email. This is for you, Roy:

Hi. I notice that you have posted a page on "What Would Jesus Drive." While I'm glad you found it funny enough to share with your audience, this material is lifted from a copyrighted newspaper column I wrote Sept. 6, 2000 (www.offkilter.org/jesusdmv.html), distributed by Creators Syndicate. You can further verify that I am the writer by visiting the Sept. 2000 archives of Ship-of-fools.com (cargo.ship-of-fools.com/Captain/0900.html) and scrolling down.
Please give proper credit and kindly link to my site or take down this page. Thank you.

Roy Rivenburg

Often we question whether we truly are in control of our own lives, in control of our own destinies. Or is somebody else behind this all, stearing our wheel for us, making us do things we wouldn't normally do (not even when really drunk). So what is the true way to follow then?

Most people who know something about these things assume W.W.J.D. stands for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?". I can assure you this is true, as I am one of those who know nothing about these things.

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury". But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord".

So there you have it, the secrets revealed at last. You can live you life in peace now. Drive safely. Oh, and people who cannot tell left from right in a fraction of a second should not be given permission to drive in the first place.

Getting back to things mentioned earlier on this site: I think I've linked this site before, but I felt it was appropriate to do it again after Tero's latest post: if you're going to fly soon, check if you're going down.

It seems like I wasn't the only person who was a bit upset about the new Star Wars movie title. Not only did the toy figures protest, but some celebrities as well. And it's all on sound clips. These are Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor talking about the new title (large file, need Quicktime), but the most hilarious reaction comes from Mark Hamill, who played Luke Skywalker in the original trilogy. He just can't keep a straight face. Very funny.

But not to leave you with just recaps of old stuff, here's some new old stuff. It's very popular on the net to make fun of Jack T. Chick's tracts that presumably have converted millions into Christianity. And not just any Christianity (since Catholics, for example, are all going to hell) but his very peculiar Chick-Christianity. This tract, which shows how and why all Jews are going to hell works as a nice example. Don't forget to throw your logic and brains out before enjoying it.

Here are some truths about flying (are you afraid of it?) and some rules of the air (even if you don't always respect them!):

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

Ja maksalammikko voitti hakan. Hyva litti!

A New Hope. The Empire Strikes Back. Return of the Jedi. The Phantom Menace. If those hadn't become such household names, more people would probably realize what stupid movie titles they are. I remember thinking that Phantom Menace sounded pretty stupid when I heard it the first time, but I guess I've gotten used to that as well by now. If anything, I figured the titles for the next two Star Wars movies could only be better.

Think again. Yesterday, the official title for Star Wars: Episode II was released on starwars.com, the official website. It's... unbelievable. I'm tempted to give it to you, but you might be better off checking it out yourselves. I'm warning you, it's not pretty.

Ah, screw it. It's "Attack of the Clones". Holy. Crap. "Attack of the Clones"? Where are we, in the 1950s when these kind of titles were all the rage? A quick search lists movies like "Attack of the 50 Foot Chihuahua From Outer Space", "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" and "Attack of the Giant Leeches". What a great list to include a Star Wars movie in. With a title like that, the movie can only get better. Then again, I expected never to hear a worse title than Phantom Menace. George Lucas is full of surprises. Expectations down to near-zero.

Relating this back to the real world, imagine what a movie title like this is going to do to the popular support of stem-cell research, which requires the cloning of human embryos. Luckily, Congress moved pre-emptively and banned all such research last week even before this movie title would burn the message "clones are evil" in the collective American mind.

Being aware that I need to update this page now and again, I've started to collect things that interest and amuse me over the week to link to from Morg. They all appeal to my more or less sick, dark sense of humor, which I hope some of you share. First, a public service announcement poster, which really is quite cruel. Second, a perverted GIF animation featuring Kermit the Frog. And finally, a hilarious website which sheds new light on the US Supreme Commander. Enjoy, I most certainly did.